it's gonna be a sassy New Year

I made it through the holidays fairly unscathed. There were a few flirtations with sugar cookies and chocolate but not too bad all-in-all. I did not lose my mind and fuck up so badly that the progress I have made has been undone. Still hovering between 208 and 209 but I think the damn is about to burst--I feel another shedding is about to commence. And I did do one thing I am very pleased by in the last few days--I went through my closets and drawers and got rid of everything that no longer fits--not only the stuff that is too small and outdated, but the stuff that is now too big. Nice stuff. I hesitated here and there--what if things go horribly wrong as they always have since I have been trying to lose weight (since I was 13) and I wind up having nothing to wear? No--not going to go there. Let go. The clothes were bagged and dropped at Goodwill the same day. No going back. And, it was really nice to go through my closet and try on things that I have not been able to wear in a long time...it's also cool to open my closet now and peruse it from one end to the other knowing that every single item hanging in there fits me right now. That's a first. And some if it looks nice on me, too. I feel good about how I look at the moment, and for that I am grateful. And--hey--I am wearing a pair of Old Navy size 16 jeans and they're loose. Not bad.

out of the 2-20s and the 2-teens

Official weight this morning: 207. Still doing low-carb but not in a crazy, obsessive way. I find that I require way less food than I used to and my interest in food seems to be waning a bit. My clothes are looser and I have an overall feeling of lightness. And my face seems to be emerging. I notice it has shape and contour. I'm wearing more fitted clothes lately too. The odd thing is that I have lost around 25 pounds and yet the only person who has noticed (and said something to me about it) is my mother. Harrumph.

yeah, so we're back

Weight: 215

Um, okay, Weight Watchers was a huge bust for me.

I could not stand the idea of dragging my ass to meetings so I tried the online membership. But I felt like I was a slave to my computer, loggging in every time I ate something and recording the points. It was insane and I hated it. So now I am doing low carb and it seems to actually work. Although I went off WW and promptly packed on about five pounds so I ended up walking into my doctor's office weighing in at 232. Holy shit. He recommended low carb. Not zero carb, just lower. No white flour, pasta, rice, limited sugar. I find that for the most part I'm pretty satisfied with few food attacks and no binging even on all the Halloween candy all over the house. I have not started exercising at this point but I know I'll need to soon since I've lost nearly 20 pounds without breaking a sweat and I know that will come to a halt one of these days. I feel good right now -- when I am handling myself with food I feel so much better about everything else in my life, more confident, more self-assured. I have to remind myself of this because I am not up for another relapse. Oh, Jeebus--please get me through Thanksgiving. Oy. The eating season is here.

Monday Weigh-in

Weight: 223.2

So I am down 4.8 pounds the first week on the damnable Weight Watchers flex points plan. The crazy thing is that as much as I am loathe to admit it, WW makes sense, it's logical and it works. I can eat whatever I damn well please today as long as I am accountable for it and make adjustments to everything else I put in my mouth.

This initial 4.8 may well be water. I really don't care. It is 4.8 pounds less on my scale and my ass than I had a week ago so rock on. On to a new week and a good week. The funny thing is that when I have the eating thing under control, everything else in my life and in my head seems to go so much better. I feel better about everything in general, Which is pretty nice and I am not willing to give that up.

So I joined Weight Watchers this week -- the online version because I am too antisocial when it comes to the issue of my weight. I don't want to sit in a room with a bunch of other fat people and chatter happily about points and sugar-free pudding and how much I weigh. My fatness, though out there (obviously) for the world to see is not open for discussion. I don't want to talk about it-- at least not at the moment. I just want to deal with it and do so effectively. I have had a good week, so far. Part of this is because I have only needed to contend with one social event and as much as I pre-planned mentally on how to avoid partaking of the junk food that is a huge part of get-togethers with my girlfriends, it wasn't even an issue. Someone offered me some chips only once the entire time and I said I had slept late and therefore had just had breakfast so I was still full. No big deal. I have remained within my alloted WW points each day this week. But the weekend looms ahead, and weigh-in on Monday. Wish me well. I feel pretty strong at the moment.

Monday weigh-in

Monday weigh-in: 228.6. Argh.

I have been circling around the Alli displays at Walgreen's lately and reading what I can in recent newspaper and magazine articles about the over-the-counter release of the fat-blocker. It occurs to me that I really don't want to risk having an oily discharge, gas and explosive diarrhea. So I think I'll pass on the Alli for now. My decision is to join Weight Watchers. AGAIN. Fuck. But I'm doing it online this time. I just cannot stand the simpering women at the WW meetings in my town. So off we go to online WW. Today. It starts today. Wish me luck. And no loose stools.

a step in the right direction

So I went to the gym today and did 35 minutes on the treadmill. Good for me.